Shit Ace had the worst timing.
ACE: Hurry up Luna i need a piss!
CECILIA: LANGUAGE! Sidney.
ACE: Its my house?!
I couldn’t stay in here all day! Fuck. I tossed the damn test and the box into the trash can by the toilet. You really fucked up this time Luna, I sighed to myself as I left the bathroom. Ace rushed past me into the room.
Cecilia was sat at the table; she gestured for me to sit with her. I could already tell this day was gonna go GREAT.
CECILIA: I’m going to be paying your medical bills, YOU are coming to live at the Goth Manor with me. This neighbourhood isn’t good for you dear.
What could I even say to that? Arguing was pointless, I couldn’t afford methadone treatments and now this thing is inside me. But I guess, living away from Ace would be easier. Have you ever felt utterly defeated? That’s me. I gave Cecilia a nod. My eyes started to sting.
CECILIA: Oh, don’t worry darling. Sidney will be joining us. Now go pack your things.
She smiled at me, I think it was her attempt at comforting me.
YEAH. ‘Cause that’s comforting. Just gotta hide a pregnancy from both of them now.. Ugh. I did what i was told and packed my things. I made sure to pack some baggy clothes for when I started showing.
Cecilia had headed downstairs ahead of us. Ugh. When did my life go so fucking looney tunes?
Fuck it, i grabbed a cigarette, I’m already a junkie, what harm is a cig gonna do to it? Its not like I’m keeping it.
The next thing I knew Ace had snatched the cig from my hands.
ACE: You’re already on heroin, you don’t want to hurt it more.
Next time you hide something in the trash.. at least bury it.
He winked at me as he smoked my cig.
I wanted to scream! FUCK! HOW was I so Fucking stupid?!
I slept for most of the journey. When we got inside I was a lil’ groggy but that soon changed.
ANNABELLA: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMACKRAT DOING IN OUR HOUSE AGAIN?!
ACE: go upstairs Luna; get settled in; you know where my room is. Fuck her.
Yeah. I didn’t have it in me to deal with Annabella.. Aces little sister was a bitch.
I had a bath upstairs. I could here the screaming from downstairs, I looked at myself in the mirror.
Annabellas voice screeched though the floor,
” WHY do you keep wasting money on that scum Mother”
“Sidney, why do you even care about her she’s not one of us! Have you fucking seen her she’s trash! Ungrateful trash”
” A waste of space” “Worthless” “Whore” ” Disgusting”
She was right. She was completely right. I stared at the face in the mirror.
LUNA: I fucking hate you.
I saw the scissors on the side of the sink. My first thought was to cut, I was worthless anyway. I knew Ace would kill me if I ever did that though. I looked at my hair.. I could control my own hair right? My life is fucked but I can do this? Why the fuck did I question myself?! I grabbed the scissors and cut a fringe.
The argument had died down a little down stairs.. I was exhausted. AGAIN. Ugh. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. I didn’t even realise that Ace had climbed into the bed with me until the morning.
For the next few days, all i did was sleep. I couldn’t eat for shit. I think I slept so much so I wouldn’t have to have ” the conversation” with Ace.
Then it came to my first day of treatment.
LUNA: I DON’T WANNA FUCKING GO!
ACE: you have to Luna; You need to get off the junk.. Y’know, you’re gonna have to tell them you’re pregnant right?
I was shocked. It was the first time someone had actually said it y’know. “you’re pregnant” The words hit me like a tonne of bricks.
LUNA: I don’t care! I don’t even want this thing! Why do you even fucking care? Yanno it might not even be yours!
ACE: I don’t care. If its mine then great. If its not then who cares i’m still gonna support you idiot.
I felt my hand connecting with his face again. What the fuck is wrong with me?!
LUNA: What the fuck is wrong with YOU?!
ACE: come on Luna , lets just go, we’re gonna be late.
I hurt him that time.. He kept his cool but I could tell, it was a good thing. I’d rather him hate me than love me. It’d make getting rid of it easier.
The plan was to ween me off of heroin with methadone treatments, followed by a addiction counsellor.
Of course tellin’ ’em i was pregnant was a bad idea,
I had to have bullshit blood tests and questions, I was dragged into the hospital almost everyday, JUST WHAT I WANTED. finally on Friday I had my first scan with Dr. Richard.
LUNA: TWINS? FUCKING TWINS?!
DR. Richard: Yep. 2 bundles of Joy for the price of one. Do you plan to carry them to term?
My mind jumped to “Fuck NO”, but I made the mistake of looking at Ace and he looked so fucking happy. Shit. I always wanted a family.. but not like this ?!
LUNA: I… I don’t know.
The doctor looked at Ace;
DR. RICHARD: Is this the father?
I probably shouldn’t have said that but it just kinda came out.. like word vomit yanno.
DR.RICHARD: well, I must inform you both that as you are in rehabilitation for heroin use; the babies will be born with NAS.
She read the confusion on my face before continuing.
DR RICHARD: Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, meaning the babies will be born addicted to methadone. It can have complications during the pregnancy, and afterwards. Though it’s not as severe as a heroin addiction.
We talked with the doctor for a while before we were allowed to leave.
Great so my kids were gonna be junkies already. Taking after mom. I wasn’t a mother, what kind of mom would I be, I can’t even look after my god damn self never mind TWINS. I couldn’t keep them. I don’t know how to be a mother! My own mother ignored me or just constantly breathed down my neck, I didn’t want to become my mother, and my father?! What if i traumatise my kids like he did? FACE IT Luna .. you can’t keep these kids.
ACE: SO.. I am the dad? Or did you just say that?
I tried walking away but he grabbed my arm.
LUNA: YES! it’s true.
ACE: why did you try to make me thing it wasn’t.
LUNA: Because I don’t want to keep it! Ace. That’s why. What will it fucking take to make you hate me enough to not give a fuck.
ACE: It would take a lot more than this dummy. Its your choice at the end of the day Luna.. But think about it. I’m done fucking things up… with us. You said you wanted to be the girl with the most cake. This is your chance to have that. The love, the family and once your rehab is over, you’ll be clean. You might not believe in yourself but I fucking do.
I didn’t know what to think of serious, soppy Ace. I didn’t have much time to even think about it, before he was kissing me, then he picked me up like he always does.
ACE: whatever you choose; I’m not going anywhere.
Luna: Ya insane; You know that right?!!
ACE: I know. What’s ya point dick head.
He was back to himself. I laughed, Kinda relieved but i kinda liked seeing his walls down for a bit yanno.
LUNA: Don’t tell your mom please; until i’ve decided what i’m doing with them.
He pretended to zip his mouth shut..
How could he even be so supportive. Well I guess he is for now.. One thing I know more than anything is that people can change in a heartbeat. My dad was supportive too..